Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
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Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
I mean…but I did
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
what the hell girl, sure
Happy Caturday!
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.