Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
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I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Body by cheese-puffs.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”