Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.

It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.