Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

I know this now 😂

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.