Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
When news reporters do sports stories
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’