My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it