Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
