Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
