Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.

I’m serious

The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes