Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.

Computer: shutting down
Me: same

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation