Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.