Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying