Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
