Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Happy Friday
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Growing out my freckles.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think