Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
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An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Carpe DM
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.