MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too