Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale