MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
i’m still crying at this
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE