Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
You Might Also Like
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Coffee for people with no kids
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper