Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
gm
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
👽
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw