Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to