Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Children of the corn 🌽
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex