Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
yes yes a thousand times yes!
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.