Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

this is me

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.