Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.