Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
DOOO EEEET
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!