Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.