Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

English: i before e, except after c.

Science: Ummmm, No.

The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.