Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Okay

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.

I’m not sentimental.

I’m just sick of tripping over them.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.