Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME