Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
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If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
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Me: Same.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!