Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
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ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
your elf on the shelf was delicious
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know