Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

😞

How animals would run if they were human

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.