Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!