Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

I didn’t realize that was an option

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

seems fine

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.