Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”

2020’s guy: “yeah”

1680’s guy: “yeah”

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

Clark Kent: *removes glasses*

Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world