Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
is he marrying that labradoodle
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
For the orator and chef in all of us
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
