Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
This line from Airplane.
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If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
What if all the cashiers are married?
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.