Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Cashiers are always checking me out
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
