million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did