million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
logging onto twitter…
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.