million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
sensitive skin
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Are you a cat person or a person person?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’