million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die