Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
You Might Also Like
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.