Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Not helping
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.