Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

sry

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?