Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.