Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.

[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?

*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*

H- Are you waving at the ground?

Me-Yes to both

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

My circle of trust is a meatball

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.