Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

why neck hurt

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”