Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

[Office Supply Store]

Me: *getting toner*

Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?

Me: I follow my heart…

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

Yeah. This was me today.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.