Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”