milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
![]()
You Might Also Like
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
![]()
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.