#milo
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Help Wanted
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude