#milo
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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
yeah 😭
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.