Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?