Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.