Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
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At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry