Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
You Might Also Like
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
i think both sides are to blame here
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter