Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
not seeing the problem
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft