Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

Give me one good reason not to have a drink.

Hepatologist: Hold my beer.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

my sentiments exactly

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.