Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
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Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
6. me as a lawyer
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
