Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

lmao😭🤣

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*