Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.