Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

🤣

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?