Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Wise advice

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Don’t leave me alone.

Alone: I have a boyfriend.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.