Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.