Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

[Interview]

Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.