Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
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Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
any last words?
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Meanwhile in Portland…
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar