Mine in this week’s New Yorker
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I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
good let them take over I have had enough
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”