Mine in this week’s New Yorker
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
