Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan