Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon