Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?

My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Twitter

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.