Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
R.I.P.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking