Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

Dietest Coke

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.

Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.