Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out