Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Please vote for people who are attractive
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy