Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

This can never not be funny 😭😭

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.